Stories

So I have this plaque in my office at church.  I have it there as a way to show all who come in my office that I value them, that their story, their heart, their life is important.  I want them to know I will listen to them and strive to make it a safe place, a place where they feel comfortable sharing their story.

Your beautifully messy complicated story matters (tell it)

I believe that what the plaque says is true, I really do.  But one thing I have learned over the year is that if I am honest, I mostly believe it to be true for other people.

I believe everyone's story matters, in fact I fight and advocate for others to learn to listen and ask to hear others stories, to get to know someone deeper than face value.

I work to create spaces for that exchange to happen.

Until its my turn.

I recently went away to a cottage with 4 other amazing women.  This is only the 2nd time I have left my kids overnight and gone away without my husband in 9 years.  It was strange and unfamiliar.  And wonderful.

We talked, we shared stories, wine and good food.  These women all took turns sharing their testimonies and I was impressed and encouraged by their faith, by what God had done in their lives, and how freely they were willing to share the good and the bad. And then they looked at me and asked me to share mine.

I didn't know what to say.  My testimony is boring, at least that is what I thought when I compared it to theirs.  (Really, when God works in a life, how can it ever be called boring?)

I fumbled through it with many a dismissive comment saying how 'normal' and 'boring' it was.  I looked at the ground a lot.  I got done as quickly as I could.  And I felt so stupid and small afterward.

I started this blog many months ago.  It was a dream of mine.  Something I have wanted to do for a long time, but was too scared to try.  I finally did after some major coaxing from Eric, but, 

I have since written on it only 4 times.  

I make it a point to ask people how they are doing and really mean it.  To ask follow-up questions that force someone to get past the usual 'fine' or 'good'.  I take the time to listen and find out what is really going on in someone's life, if they will let me.  

But then when they ask me how I am and push me for answers, I don't know what to say.  So I say "I'm fine, nothing much is new just the same old stuff", and then turn the conversation back to them.

Part of it is that I don't know how to cram everything that has been going on into a short summary.

But if I am honest, the reason for how I handled all the instances I have just described is because I am scared.  Scared of my voice.

Scared that others will think I am dumb and boring.

Scared I will say the wrong things.

Scared I will say the right things and will be thought of as 'too much'.

Scared that I will think my voice is too special.

Scared that my voice really isn't special.

Scared that I don't really have anything of importance to say.

What if no one listens?

What if they do listen and don't like it?

What if I share my heart, put myself out there, and get turned away from again?

What if, what if, what if...

I am learning that I need to focus on a new set of what ifs.

What if God wants to speak through me and I don't let Him?

What if I could bring someone encouragement with my story and I withhold it?

What if I started listening to what God says about me instead of the lies Satan says?

What if I stopped comparing myself to everyone else?

God says that I am loved and I am His, no matter what anyone else thinks of what I do or don't say.

God says He is great and good and what He does is beyond compare.

God says He has saved me and redeemed me with His own blood.

If I stifle my voice and refuse to share my story because I don't think it is good enough, then I am basically saying that I don't think God has done a good enough work in my life to share.

That is not the message I want to give.  I want all I say or do to give God glory.

Your beautifully messy complicated story matters (tell it)

This year, instead of just believing this for others, by God's grace I plan to begin to believe this for myself.

Peace

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  ~Philipians 4:17

The other day, as I drove in my car, feeling hurt and betrayed by some I count as friends, I couldn't stop thinking about peace.  You see, I always had it in my mind that when people mentioned feeling peace about something-especially peace about something hard, unwanted or painful, they meant they had come to the place of feeling OK with it. Happy and carefree almost.

But, quite honestly, I just have not found that kind of peace in trying circumstances.  Some things just aren't OK.  Cancer is not OK.  Depression is not OK.  I could go on and on.  And so I had always concluded that because I couldn't get to that place of 'peace', there must be something wrong with my faith.  I must need to grow more, trust more, have more faith.

As I sat in the car at a red light that day, fighting tears, God spoke to my heart.  I realized that maybe, when Paul talks in the Bible about a peace that is beyond our understanding, it isn't the peace that I imagined it was.  Maybe it was an even deeper peace.  A peace that doesn't demand hurt and brokeness to be ignored, but that could embrace and envelop it.  A peace that acknowledges that things are not the way they are supposed to be-and that hurts.  And it isn't going away.  But even still, even amidst the pain, God is God. 

Peace that makes room for that tension is a peace I can rest in.  I can lose the guilt, feel the hurt and pain, and still know that God is there. He sees it all and meets me in the midst of it. 

And He is bringing redemption...
  

To My Coffee Break Women...

So it hit me this week that Coffee Break starts 2 weeks from today.  Of course I reacted with a bit of panic. Panic because here we are, 2 weeks away, and I have yet to do any real planning or studying.  Maybe one day I will get ahead.  Yeah, probably not.

But along with the panic, I also felt anticipation because I have learned that leading all of you amazing women over the years is a tool that God has used to mold me more and more into His image, and I am looking forward to seeing what He has in store for us this year.

I need to say thank you, again, for coming back for another year and even bringing friends along.  (You are coming right???)  It humbles me greatly that you find this time we spend together; laughing, sharing, praying and digging into the Bible, worth carving out time for.  I pray that God will continue to bless this time as one where everyone who comes can experience His grace and unconditional love.

That being said, I ask that you would pray for me and for our group.  Pray that God would open my eyes anew to what He is teaching and what He wants us to hear.  Pray that you would have ears open to hear what He is teaching and a heart that desires to grow closer to Him.  I have read through the book of James (what we will be studying if you missed that email a while ago)  a couple of times now and the first time I read it I was a bit intimidated.  James begins, after a short greeting, with, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers [and sisters], whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."  Apparently James was not a man who minced words with small talk but just got right to the point!  James does not give us the luxury to warm up with the easy stuff but challenges us right from the beginning.  We've got a lot to learn this year, I'm looking forward to it, hopefully you are too!

The New Normal

This morning I dropped my last little one off at kindergarten.  She wasn’t supposed to be my last, but life has a way of changing plans and dreams long held.  It was a bittersweet moment. It has been 9 long years since I haven’t had a child needing me during the day.  A child (or 2, or 3) following my every move, interrogating me about every action.  Endless chatter, questions, and demands, tears, whines, fighting, laughter and giggles have been the music of my life.  I would be lying if I said I loved every minute of it.  I think those statements are reserved for grandmas and grandpas who happen to only recall the good times and forget about the sleepless nights and constant tugging of small children.  But I did feel blessed through it all.  So grateful that I was able to stay home and answer all those questions, tuck them in bed each night, soothe their worries and fears, wipe their tears, and play endless games with them all.

Today I came home to a quiet home.  The evidence of a busy morning with 3 young kids surrounded me, but there were no young kids.  No questions, no ‘mom, he’s bugging me’, no ‘what are we going to do now?’  To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure what to do.  Hours of uninterrupted time stared me down and created a bit of a panic in me.  Don’t get me wrong, there have been many days that I have dreamed of this moment.  A whole day of quiet!  A whole day to move at my own pace and do what I want when I want!  In some ways it was glorious, and I look forward to more of those days.  But for a minute, I realized that after 9 years, I’m not sure what my pace is any more.  My pace has become a 3 kid pace, I don’t remember what it was before that time, when it was just me.

Dropping off my last child at school represents the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life.  I am no longer tied down all day, every day.  I am free to pursue things I am interested in and see where God would have me serve.  Life has changed, what was normal, routine, is now different.  I find myself again trying to figure what this ‘new normal’ looks like, how it works and how it feels.  Everyone finds themselves in these situations from time and time, and it isn’t a new thing for me.  Between adding kids, a few medical diagnoses, and me starting to work part time, I have dealt with adjusting to a ‘new normal’ before.  However, no matter how many times I have, it is always full of mixed emotions and trepidation.  As I was sitting in my house, pondering this change, a verse from Isaiah 43 came to mind.  (I know that the context of this verse may not apply directly to us, but it is contains good general truth as well.)  In the verse God is talking to the Israelites about His plans for them and He says, “Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing.  Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?”  So often, when we are faced with a ‘new normal’ we enter it cautiously, fearfully.  We cling to the past because that is what we know; we find comfort in the familiar.  As much as they drive me crazy at times, life with my kids surrounding me is what I know.  It feels safe and comfortable, I know what is needed and expected.  Now, facing this next chapter I feel unsure.  My role seems uncertain and unclear and that makes me anxious.  To those thoughts God speaks and reminds me that even though I may think the road ahead seems foggy, He sees the path clearly.  He is ready to take me on the next phase of my walk with Him.  He is ready to teach me new things and greater trust as I rely on Him more and more to parent my children when they are out of my reach and rely on Him to guide me down this uncertain path of the ‘new normal’.  He is doing a new thing!  Am I willing to see it?  Am I willing to trust and follow?  He has always proved faithful before, and I know He will again. 

So to all of you moms who will be dropping kids off at school in the next few days or weeks, some for the first time, I pray that you will be able to rest your cares  in your Savior’s arms.  That you will cling to the promise that He will go with them when you can’t and that His grace is sufficient for them as well as you.  I pray that God will do new things in you this year and that your eyes and heart would be open to see what He has in store. Praise be to our ever loving and gracious Lord!